you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
