1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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