I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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