i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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