somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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