I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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