I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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