I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
