At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
