I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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