the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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