I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
