So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
