We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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