I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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