There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
