She's JV to your varsity
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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