A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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