fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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