I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I need moral support for this bender
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
