I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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