your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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