I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
