we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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