If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
