Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
