textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
