So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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