That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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