I want to make a zoo with you.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
