why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
