I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
