i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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