True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
