If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
