I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
