he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
