my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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