So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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