Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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