just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
