Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
