I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What a dumb baby whore.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
