I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
