Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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