Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
