You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
