mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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