I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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