I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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